My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
