He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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