yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
