I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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