final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
