The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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