My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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