i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
