My liver just broke up with me...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
