Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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