fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
