she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
