This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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