you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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