My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it