im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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