Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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