I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
