I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
