last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
