I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
