I accidentally had phone sex last night
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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