Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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