Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this boner is exhausting
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Found the puke drawer
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
