Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
