i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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