I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
