We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
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You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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