i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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