I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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