I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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