Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
