I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
