you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
