Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
