I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
