she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
