one might say we're banned from that church
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
