Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Drake has all the answers
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
