if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
