WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
...so i touched it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
