there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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