If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
