a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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