Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
