I just threw up on my dentist
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
