i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't deserve a penis
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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