I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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