What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
