I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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