I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
