I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
