Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
