just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
