You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
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About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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