the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
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im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
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I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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