She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I fill condoms, not promises.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
