I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
