his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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